I've decided...I think

T-minus 7 hours until the polls open in Chicago and I think I've decided. I say think because goddess knows I might change my mind.

We have dueling feminist letters. Pro-Hillary, Pro-Obama.

I've seen friends turn on friends, feminists turn on feminists over this race. Deborah Siegel's piece at HuffPo doesn't deserve the venom it is getting.

Through all of this I am certain of one thing: Whomever is the candidate in November for the Democratic party, I will vote for, send money to, and work hard to make sure that on January 20, 2009, I will be celebrating like the Ewoks at the end of Jedi.

I do feel dumb for not having made a decision earlier. I have dear friends whom I campaigned with last year in an aldermanic election who have been working their asses off for Obama. I know I would had had a blast with them at phone banking or car pooling to Iowa. I know people in the Clinton campaign whom are wondering about me. Some friends, some colleagues in this struggle. I feel the eyes of friends who say that they aren't as political as me as they watch me struggle with an issue I know they were looking to me to solve.

Thankfully I know I have company in this puzzle. Rebecca Traister says it best about why so many of us are actually afraid to vote for Hillary:

There is shame in voting for Hillary Clinton, make no mistake -- pulling a lever for someone who voted for Iraq and proposed anti-flag-burning legislation provokes its own brand of self-loathing. When I think about doing the deed, I consider the fact that she's brilliant, that she's competent, that she knows her shit inside and out, that she's battle-tested, tough as nails, and that she wipes the floor with Obama in the debates. She provides a steel-solid track record, he a nimbus of vague hope.

Sizzle or substance?

Someone who can move a crowd to things they never thought possible or someone who can negotiate one on one?

Someone who has spent their entire adult life working for change or ...well, I think they both have done that in one way or another.

Honestly, I don't care much about Obama's present votes in the Illinois Assembly. Politics suck and there are reasons for everything. If I'm going to not for him for that, I shouldn't vote for Hillary for the bankruptcy bill or countless other wrong votes.

Am I better off in Illinois now than before Obama took office? Yes. No. I dunno. I have no idea if he made it happen at all. Am I better off since Hillary got into the Senate? Got me there.

All the reasons why I should vote for her are the same for him. Those nuances (the Iraq war vote, health care plans) that make them stand apart in my head are blurring, canceling each other out.

At 7 am, I'll stand in a voting booth with my daughter and make the biggest decision of my voting career. Afterwards, I'll have to tell her who I voted for because she's watched us hem and haw, debate, and ask her for her choice.

But in the end, I have to look at myself and decide. I also have to decide whether to make it public or not. Of course I will.

I've never been the popular girl, always been a trouble maker, and well, have had my heart broken far too many times by sweet talking men.

Hillary is my choice. This bitch will back up my homegirl, my fellow bitch.

Not because she is a woman.
Not because NOW tells me to.

But because if anyone can really get this country in order, it will be her.

I only pray to the goddess that Obama has some role in organizing us to help Hillary make that change. She can do it. He can will us to get off our asses. Sometimes leadership is about one person, but if ever there was a time, the time is now for leadership to be a partnership.

And I hope you will all join me in voting your conscience when it is your turn and stop the bickering between sides. Because my dear, I am your friend as you are mine.

Peace.


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