My daughter just shook her head...

then dramatically put it on the dinner table. She's nine and she gets that telling girls to not wear leggings in order to not distract boys is ridiculous*.

I'm not using the term "rape culture" with her yet, but I hope I'm setting her up for that "Oh...this is what Mom's been talking about!" I didn't even address her when talking about the story. Rather I addressed the table where my husband & daughter were waiting patiently for the server to bring us dinner, "So, there's a middle school..."

*OK, she is my daughter, so she might be swearing in her head, but let me believe she's immune to my foul mouth.

Book Review: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (Revised Edition)

The newly revised and updated edition of Odd Girl Out is a must have for every person who is parenting or educating a girl.

This was the first book I grabbed once my fall classes were over. A bookshelf of books have been taunting me since August, but this is the one I had to read first. Why? I think it's because I have a daughter. She's eight and in the 3rd grade and we've already had two incidents involving bullying. The first was in preschool and the second was last year. Both incidents were handled by teachers are administrators in a manner that Simmons suggests in Chapter 12: the road ahead for teachers and administrators. That chapter gives some wonderful suggestions on how to set up a school or even a classroom to be as bully-proof as possible. Obviously no place can be bully-proof, but one thing that Simmons points out is that one way to address bullying is to have a transparent and predictable system of consequences. If a student knows that Sally and Maria are the teacher's favorite and nothing they do gets them in real trouble, that student feels disempowered to act and report bullying she may be experiencing or witnessing. Having a consistent system of consequences also sends a clear message to students who bully that it will not be tolerated.

Simmons doesn't advocate for a zero-tolerance policy that gets 7-year-olds expelled, rather a zero-tolerance policy that is just that, zero-tolerance for bullying a classmate.

As a kid I had my share of girlfriends, but at recess I was more prone to hang with the boys playing softball, football or plain old wrestling. I can't recall being bullied on the playground the way Simmons reports, I guess I'm lucky. Or maybe because the girls from my school were working class and we were all tough in our own ways. I can't recall more than a couple of girls who were overly girly. That said, I can see the girly girls in my daughter's life.

Her first experience with bullying was from a girl who was trying to enforce gendered clothing. The kid was told that when she wore pants, she was a boy. Once reported, the teachers had a great conversation with the kids about kids being able to wear whatever they wanted. Clothing does not make one a girl or a boy.

Three themes really struck me as key things to remember from this book.

One is that schools have relied on girls to maintain a certain peace for years. Without most girls maintaining that peace, the whole classroom would be chaos.To ask teachers to be aware of the quiet manner girls bully each other is asking teachers to realize that their classrooms are as out of control as they sometimes seem.

And second is that this peace that we see in girls is really silence. Society teaches girls to silence their feelings in order to "be good." Simmons outlines how this silence works in girl-on-girl violence is really just training for being in a violent relationship later in life. Because being BFFs with a girl who bullies you IS VIOLENCE.

Bullying is not just how girls are. Not if we decide that it ends today. HERE. NOW. When we teach our girls to get over it, that "that's how life is, wait until your boss is a bully," we are teaching our girls to ignore that voice in their head and heart that says, "This is wrong. Walk away."

The last theme is one that a friend and I were discussing a few weeks ago. Why are women afraid to promote themselves? I know that I can look back at my childhood and know that being "all that" was frowned upon. Pride in one's work could only be taken so far. I use to write email updates to family & friends until someone very close to me wrote asking why I only send emails when I have something to brag about. That comment still keeps me from writing updates to people I know what to know what's going on with me. Especially people who aren't connected to me via social media. Simmons really digs into how promoting oneself breaks one of the cardinal rules of being a girl -- fit in. You can't fit in if you let people know how awesome you are.

Simmons updated her book to include a great chapter on cyberbullying. If you don't have time to read the whole book, skip right to chapter four: bff 2.0: cyberbullying and cyberdrama and chapter nine:  parents speak. But you really should read the whole thing. 

Warning women reading this will experience flashbacks to high school. Men who read this may have a lot of WTF moments. Either way, I highly recommend this to everyone with a girl in their lives. Get yourself a copy at Powells or IndieBound.


Disclaimer: I requested this book for review. 

* Book links are affiliate links. If you buy your book here I could make a very small amount of money that goes towards this blog by helping me purchase books for school. Thanks!

Raising a Citizen (includes book and website reviews)

The kid has to complete a certain number of book reports every quarter. Included in the book reports are online quizzes from BookAdventure.com. Some of the questions on the quizzes are pretty specific about plot points. Tonight the kid took a quiz based on the book, Vote!, by Eileen Christelow.

When we were first told we had to use the site, I was skeptical. But the quizzes seem fair. Tonight though, the site proved pretty awesome. Here are a few of the questions the kid was asked about Vote!

• What do you have to do if you want to vote?
• What are political parties?
• Why does a politician want to do a good job? (Answer was to get reelected)
• Who decides who could vote?
• What did the Constitution say about voting?
• What do the candidates hope to do in a debate?
• How old do you have to be to vote?

Perhaps these should be the first questions asked of GOP candidates at the next debate?

And that brings me to the awesomeness that is Vote! 

Christelow has crafted a picture book that teaches kids more about voting than I suspect most of us get in our whole K-12 education. Example? At the very end of this simple tale of an election, there is a timeline of voting rights in the USA. One of the cartoon characters, the yellow dog, remarks after a notation about the 1975 Voting Rights Act amendment, something about "1776-1975 and finally everyone can vote!" She also includes in the timeline notes about women's suffrage, the 14th amendment, ex-prisoner's voting rights and the 2002 Help America Vote Act.

I had bought the book for the kid when she was really small. It came out in 2003, so maybe when she was an infant, as we have the hard book copy. I hadn't read it to her in years and this was the first time she read it on her own...and all of it, including the supplementary material such as the timeline and definitions.

Because it is a picture book, I hadn't thought to make her reread it. But because I saw it was marked as third-grade level reading and was a 10-question quiz, I figured she could use it for her book reports. And I am so glad I did. One doesn't always read the supplementary material to an infant. Or at least she doesn't always remember that in 10 states ex-felons can't vote. But she knows that now and I saw that look in her eye that says, "Oh, hell no!" Thanks, Eileen.

CFP: Motherhood/Fatherhood and Popular Culture

Call For Papers: Motherhood/Fatherhood and Popular Culture

Popular Culture Association/American Culture Association (PCA/ACA)National Conference:
2012 Boston, Massachusetts, April 11- 14

Julie Tharp and Susan MacCallum-Whitcomb write in This Giving Birth: "Ever since a pregnant Demi Moore exploded the beauty myth by posing nude for a magazine cover and Madonna cast off her boy-toy image to sing the praises of maternity, popular culture has also begun to embrace dear old mom." At the same time, Modern Family, Mr. Mom, Thomas Beatie, the At-Home Dads Convention, and Superdad: a Memoir of Rebellion, Drugs and Fatherhood are just a few examples testifying to how popular culture has been embracing dad.

Liz Podnieks is looking for papers for multiple panels for the new PCA Area Motherhood/Fatherhood which showcases (from humanities and social sciences perspectives) any aspect of motherhood and or fatherhood in popular culture.

Possible topics to consider include, but are not limited to, the following:
-TV shows, including talk shows, family dramas, sitcoms, and animation
-print and electronic journalism and gossip rags; magazines
-celebrity culture
-electronic sites/technologies like blogs, Facebook, Twitter
-advertising and marketing
-visual art including photography, scrapbooking, mixed media
-film; performance; music
-graphic fiction/memoir
-best-selling literatures including mommy lit, momoirs, and dadlit
-pregnancy manuals and "expert" parenting guides/literature
-fashion
-politics
-reproductive technologies
-law and policy; maternal and paternal activism/organizations

For information on the PCA/ACA, please see: http://pcaaca.org/
Abstracts (200-250 words) will be accepted on a continuing basis up to December 15, 2011. Abstracts must be submitted online at: http://ncp.pcaaca.org/.

Please send any inquiries to the Area Chair:
Liz Podnieks, Associate Professor
Department of English and
Graduate Studies in Communication and Culture
Ryerson University, Toronto
lpodniek@ryerson.ca

Guest Post:: School Sexual Harassment Tips for Parents

By Mandy Van Deven

Today’s guest post is part of the Hey, Shorty! Virtual Book Tour. Check out this link to find out how you can support the 25-date nationwide tour!

In the spirit of transparency, I find it necessary to let you know that I am not a parent. I am a person who has children in my life whom I care deeply about and who has worked with parents and children for a number of years; however, I understand the parameters of my experience only extend so far and there is a limit to the usefulness of my knowledge when it comes to real life practice. I say this because it is important to note that the information I have about how parents and caregivers can intervene in and respond to sexual harassment in schools is either observed or secondhand, and I encourage those who are raising children to add your own expertise to the comments of this post. Learning from each other is crucial and there are so few places where parents come together to talk about sexual harassment in schools.

There are many reasons to be concerned about the state of education in the United States, and for many, sexual harassment doesn’t receive a rating on the scale of what’s most important. But as we’ve seen in the media lately, the mistreatment of students can have severe effects. Poor grades, depression, and unhealthy decisions (e.g., drug use, eating disorders, suicide) can be the result of social interactions happening at school, and it is the responsibility of the school system to do its best to keep every child safe. Unfortunately, this is not a luxury every student is afforded.

Parents and caregivers should feel secure about sending their children to school every day, but it can be difficult to determine what is going on in the hallways and classrooms of your child’s school. It can be particularly for those who find it challenging, or impossible, to take on extraneous activities at your child’s school because of barriers to participation you face – including working multiple jobs or jobs with evening hours, familial responsibilities, disabilities, and health issues, all of which understandably take priority and can leave a parent feeling powerless and frustrated. Although it may be a struggle, it can be a great relief to join (or start!) a group for parents and caregivers where you can share their frustrations with one another, gain support from peers, and work toward solutions. Email is a good way to do that when you can’t show up in person.

For those who don’t have the option to participate in this way, here are some strategies from the newly released Hey, Shorty!: A Guide to Combating Sexual Harassment and Violence in Schools and on the Streets that parents can implement in their daily lives to help prevent sexual harassment in schools:

— Encourage your child to discuss school life with you, including grades, sports, extracurricular activities, and friends. Let your child know you are interested and available to talk, no matter what the topic.

— Use language that is inclusive of both genders and avoids stereotyping individuals based on gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, or other characteristics.

— Raise your child’s awareness of other people’s feelings. Fostering a sense of respect, empathy, and compassion will help prevent your child from hurting others.

— Take advantage of “teachable moments.” When an incident of sexual harassment occurs in your presence (whether in the school, on the street, or in a store), seize the opportunity to raise your child’s awareness about sexual harassment and openly communicate to your child that such behavior is unacceptable, hurtful, and illegal.

— Encourage your child to speak up for him or herself. Promoting self-confidence in a child is the first step to prevent him or her from becoming victims of sexual harassment or other types of abuse.

— Request a copy of your child’s school’s sexual harassment policy. Keep it on hand as a reference. If your child’s school does not have a sexual harassment policy or has a policy that is confusing or inaccessible, talk to the school administrator or a school board representative.

— Discuss the school’s anti-discrimination policy with your children. Let them know that you are aware sexual harassment is a problem in schools, and that you are available to talk about it.

— Create and distribute materials to help other parents and their children discuss issues like sex education, gender equity, and sexism.

*********
Viva la Feminista encourages you to purchase your copy from indie bookstores or Powells.com.
* Book links are affiliate links. If you buy your book here I could make a very small amount of money that goes towards this blog.

Men who parent are not "Mr. Moms" - They are fathers or dads.

Last week NBC Chicago did a great story about a whip smart woman on the rise and her amazing husband who stays home with the kids. My husband and I watched the piece, nodding along, happy with the portrayal UNTIL...the stay at home dad was labeled "Mr. Mom."

View more videos at: http://www.nbcchicago.com.

While one new dad I know, tweeted that he wouldn't mind if someone called him "Mr. Mom," we don't really like that designation. It signals something odd, weird or out of the norm. We equally get perturbed when someone asks if he is "babysitting" the kid. Um, he is the father, parent of the kid. When he is caring for his daughter, he is her father, not a babysitter and certainly not a male version of me.

I've read a lot of feminist treatises on feminist families, ending the second shift for women and so forth. Most of those articles and books end with the same conclusion: Until men step up and contribute equally to the house (family, caregiving, cleaning, etc), women can not and will not achieve equity in the workplace or society. By minimizing when men do step up and do their fair share by calling them babysitters or by the title of a 1980s film, well, it takes the revolution out of the simple act.

And believe me it's still a revolution to get men to parent in an equitable manner. There are a lot of forces at play. Men get snickered at if they take too much time to parent.Sure, they get a pat on the back for taking time to get to the soccer match, but there's a line and they know not to cross it. Yet, I also can see, not just from my husband, a sense that men want to run way past that line. In order for them to do that, women need to support them, not mock them with "Mr. Mom." We need to let them figure out their parenting style, just as moms figure out our style. We may stay  home with the baby for the first few months, but I don't think means Dad can't figure out how to do whatever the baby needs.

Believe me when I say, it is a struggle to let go. Perhaps my life is too busy for me to get weighed down with all the details of how my husband is parenting in my absence. But the truth of the matter is that I'm not at home enough that he needs to parent on his own. Yes, there are times when I question something that he does, but he does the same to me. Heck, when he's out of town or under the weather and I have to make the kid's lunch, I kind panic. He does such a good job and knows her tastes better than I do. He has a system. I had to do it this morning, so I asked the kid to help me make her lunch. And it ended up perfectly fine.

We're parents TOGETHER. We try to check in with each other when the kid asks us for something to minimize her playing us off each other. We check in when adding things on the calendar. We both go to parent-teacher conferences. We try to go to the doctor's office together. We take turns with sick days as much as we can. Sometimes we run into days when I just can't reschedule a meeting or he can't. We need to be a team. Heaven knows that's the only way we're going to survive this journey.

Coming up for air for Obama and Osama

I just can't believe it's been so long since I've written here. Then again I haven't written at my PhD blog since midterm! I think the lack of blogging sums up how ferociously tough this semester has been.

So much has happened in the world, in my life that I wish I had time to write about. Of course this is where I slap myself for thinking that my voice missing for a few weeks is a big deal.

I'm a practical lady. I understand that sometimes you need to something you don't like to keep things moving. Like say release one's birth certificate three years after you've become President of the U.S.A. to prove one's citizenship. It doesn't mean that I don't realize how racist and hateful the request is. Friends have made comments about it harkens back to slave days when free slaves had to carry their papers with them. But the best statement about the birthers demand to see President Obama's birth certificate was made by Baratunde (who is not a friend friend, but I'm friends with some of his peeps.):



Then just a few days after telling the world that he/we had more important things to focus on, President Obama freaked out everyone by calling a press conference at 9:30 pm Chicago time on a Sunday. ON A SUNDAY! Twitter didn't know what to do with itself. We were making jokes about the zombie apocalypse, speculating that we were going all in to remove Gaddafi from Libya and even just dumb jokes about the President only wanting to interrupt "Celebrity Apprentice." Then word got out that it was about Osama bin Laden, that we just might have killed him. The jokes continued as we impatiently awaited our President to tell the world what happened. Sure word leaked onto Twitter and slowly the TV news folks let the cat out of the bag. But I wouldn't fully believe it until President Obama said it.

And then he did.

I fully admit to feeling elated that bin Laden was removed from this world. And it wasn't the fear of retribution that got me to reel that feeling in. It was my conscience. I came to this fight for justice in the world via Amnesty International and my belief that an eye for an eye is never justice. Even if we had brought bin Laden in for a jury to decide to put him to death, it wouldn't be justice. Sadly, I'm afraid I can't think of what justice could be in terms of bin Laden. There are too many feelings. Contradictory feelings. Then a few friends on Facebook posted a MLK Jr. quote that lead me to this full and correct quote:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....The chain reaction of evil--hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars--must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
--Martin Luther King, Jr. [link]

Justice can't be found through bin Laden. It can only be found through us. How we go about the world. How we treat each other. How much love and light we put into the universe.

This morning we decided to talk to our daughter about bin Laden. My husband has a different view than I do. But he presented his view to her and I presented mine. She's only 7 1/2, so I don't expect her have much of an opinion other than "Happy the evil guy is gone." I think I struggled more with trying to explain "evil" to her than the difference in Mommy and Daddy's opinion. She's use to us disagreeing.

I'm still struggling with my emotions over all of this. I remember all too well what bin Laden did to this world. While I was not in NYC that day in 2001, I had friends, close friends who were. I remember hitting my listservs and asking for people to check in. We didn't have Facebook, Twitter or too many blogs. I remember calling Jenn Pozner and letting out the biggest sigh when she answered. But I was in Chicago and no one knew what was happening. My husband worked at a museum and I at a university. Both, we were told by the media, could be targets. We were back home before lunch. I'm not being an idiot about this. But I know I'm not being 100% practical about this either. Life is messy like that.

Feminist Parenting: Searching for a Superhero

This post is part of the WAM! It Yourself Blogathon! WAM! It Yourself is a multi-city decentralized conference on gender and media run by Women, Action & the Media. Events are taking place in seven cities and online from March 20th to March 27th. Check out the full schedule of events here!

I hiked down to McCormick Place to attend the second annual Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo on Saturday. I was able to attend by requesting a press pass. I'm not writing this because it was a condition of the pass though. OK, disclaimer out of the way. How did it go?

It was fun. I could only attend for a few hours, but it was fun to sit and watch all the fans walking around. The families passing on their love of comics & comic-related entertainment to the kids. The geek couples dressed up and holding hands. The groups who dressed up in themes or didn't dress up at all. But the group that drew me in the most were the dads walking around with their daughters. 

After my pass was in hand, I headed to the expo floor to make a bee line to Dark Horse, the home of Buffy Season 8...and soon Season 9. I was disappointed at the lack of Buffy stuff, but I did get to spot a mock-up of the Buffy lunchbox, to be released in the summer, which may find a home in my kitchen. I did get to play with Dark Horse's app, which is freaking awesome. Alas, no eReader of any kind in my hands, so I'll leave the awesomeness to others. 

Then I ran to the theater to catch a discussion on "The Walking Dead" and after that a panel on "Dollhouse." It was fun to hear from the actors. The funniest parts were when the actors realized that there were kids in the audience. This usually was preceded by an actor swearing (Jon Bernthal) or describing something in a sexual manner (Eliza Dushku, "I'm so going to hell..."). 

So I offer these suggestions:

* Parents: If you are going to a comic book convention or such, please remember that there will be adult language and most likely adults dressed up in costumes not suitable for children's eyes. Some ladies like to wear corsets and fishnet stockings. Some guys do too. 

* Actors and others we pay money to gawk at: As much as you might think, "Oh, my work is too violent for a 5-year-old!" There's a 5-year-old in the audience because her mom thought it was ok to watch your movie or because his dad loves your work so much, the kid is playing on the floor. 

*Somewhere in there is a nice middle where we can be comic geeks and parents all at the same time.  

As the mom of a girl (who was not with me, she had prior commitments) I did keep an eye out for kid-friendly and especially girl-friendly comics. I found a few that I'll check out, but no real stand outs. Then I saw a few more dads walk past me with their young daughters. "What is he thinking?" So I asked. 

I walked up to a man who had two young girls in tow. "Are you the dad of these young women?" "Yes, I am." I introduced myself and asked him what he thought of comic books and the comic industry having two types of women characters, (ditzy) girlfriend or sexy hero. "They were just talking about that! Girls, you were just talking about this." He introduced me to his daughters who were about 10. Sorry, I was short on time and didn't ask vitals. They went on and on about how they were in search of a superhero. One of the girls had chosen Poison Ivy ("She's evil!"), but wanted another woman character to love. Her sister was hesitant about Poison Ivy, so was far more eager to identify a woman comic book character (didn't even have to be a hero) who was smart and wasn't "just the girlfriend." The dad also talked about the need for strong women characters for girls to read about. He was definitely disappointed about the current crop of offerings. 

If I had spent more time at the expo, I would had asked a mom with a son about what she thought comics were teaching him about women. Although, I feel like that question might feel a bit attacky if I didn't know the person. "So what do you think this busty woman is teaching your 10-year-old about women? Huh!?" 

Sunday has been kid's day and they get in free. Hopefully if the cards align properly, we'll plan a family trip to C2E2 2012 on kid's day and wander around asking parents these questions while the kid tries to find her own superhero. I really want to know more about how parents navigate this territory. Comics not only have depictions of adult bodies that are totally unrealistic, even for guys, but they are also high on violence. Are the parents who bring their kids to shows like C2E2 the "cool" parents? Or the "sketchy" parents?A little of both?

The kid knows who Buffy and Xena are. She has seen bits of Buffy, but we don't let her watch scenes that are too violent or even too "gross" looking. For example, she can't quite handle zombies right now. So vamped out vampires might not go well. While Xena is bloody and a little sexy, it's also super campy. And I want to share them with her!

Bottom line is that I just want her to have her own Buffy and Xena to obsess over. Is that really too much to ask?

Book Review: Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein

"How did you get through the princess stage?" That is in the top 5 questions I get asked by other moms, especially those I truly believe are turning to me as a feminist to guide them through the forest of pink.So it intrigued me to learn that even the famed Peggy Orenstein struggls with the princess phase.

Orenstein's book School Girls was pivotal in my growth as a young feminist. It detailed the trials of being a middle school girl with such genius that if she was a mom at my daughter's school, I would have totally turned to her for guidance.

So why is the princess phase such a challenge for moms today? If it's a phase, can't we just sit back and wait it out? In her new book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture, Orenstein reveals why this phase isn't as innocent as the glitter makes it appear.

Orenstein talks to the moms of her daughter's classmates to find that they also have rules about princesses in their homes. Only costumes - for imagination/play sake. No movies though. Yet the girls still know the plots and have their favorite princesses. She attends toys trade shows to talk to the toys peddlers themselves. "Pink is what girls want," is the official line. But how much choice do girls have in the first place if everyone buys into the "If it's not pink, it won't sell" line? Orenstein even gives us a quick historical view of how baby dolls became a girl toy -- let's say that the feminist movement seems older than the baby doll conspiracy.

As parents we are told to expect our girls to want to play with just girls and our boys to play with just boys after the age of about two or three. "It's natural," they say, "Watch." Orenstein talks with an expert who explains why allowing our kids to self-select into single-sex groups is not something to encourage. If we allow our kids to "naturally" only know how to play with the same sex at 4 and all the way up, how the hell do we expect them to communicate with each other as teens who are dating? Working together? Leading Student Council? We shouldn't. And the princess thing helps to divide our kids into BOY and GIRL buckets. Which is why experts say if you see the same sex play divide happen, force interaction.

Orenstein points out our hypocrisies, such as gasping in horror when we see young girls dancing to suggestive music, but not thinking twice when we take them to children's movies that include those songs. Are "not too skanky" dolls really worthy to be in our daughters' rooms? Do we really need to buy hundred dollar dolls so our girls can play with a doll that looks like a girl and not a college student?

At one point of the book, Orenstein reflects on the challenge of buying a gift for another girl. Not just a friend's daughter, but a princess-loving-pinkified girl. Oh, I know that feeling. You want to buy her something she'll love, but loathe the idea of buying something you would never buy your own daughter. And your feminist credentials are TOTALLY on the line too. If you select a bad toy, it will reflect on the whole community. This by the way, would make an excellent game show.

Orenstein doesn't get it all right. She misses the mark on 1990s feminism or "girlie feminism" by fusing the reclamation of feminine trades like sewing and knitting to women who feel that being sexy is empowering. They emerged at the same time, but are from two different camps. 

Early in the book Orenstein talks about the evolution of girlhood and how 2/3 of women today classified themselves as being tomboys as children. Yet only 1/3 of girls today would classify themselves as tomboys. This confuses her. Are women today over emphasizing their tomboy status? Rather I contend that tomboy is a label from the past. My daughter asked me what a tomboy was about a year ago. "Tomboy was a name people use to use for girls who were sporty, liked to climb trees because not a lot of girls did those things. Now we don't need to use it because so many girls are athletic." So if you asked my daughter, she might say she's not a tomboy. I even got her a shirt that said, "I'm not a tomboy, I'm an athlete." It's not a bad word to use, but I think it's a relic of  a time long gone, pre-Mia, pre-Williams sisters.

And that's where we are. In a world where girls can look up to Mia Hamm and the Williams sisters. They can go out every morning and practice their sport. Yet the media will still take time to evaluate who looked the best during the opening rounds of a Grand Slam tournament or ponder who is pregnant. That's the world our girls are growing up in and we not only need to figure our own way through this forest of pink princesses, but we need to guide them through it too.

Not only are our girls faced with being girly and sporty, but Orenstein takes a moment to link the academic pressure our children, girls and boys, are under. The pressure to be super academic early on can and often does alienate them from the joy of learning. Friends know that I fear this for my own smartypants daughter.

Orenstein offers few solid solutions, but what she does is walk herself through the challenges and asks us to come with her. She does answer the "How did we get here?" question in respect to dolls, clothes, sexiness and pink. There is also a MUST READ section on children's websites/social networks. While they may be safe from dirty old men, they are NOT safe from the pressure of commercialization. I know some of you poo-poo my anti-commercialization rants, but please, please, if you read this book, you will know why the intense commercialization our children are living in is robbing them of the childhood we experienced.

I hope it's not a surprise that I'm highly recommending this book. Seriously go get this book, read it and let's get back to raising our daughters instead of the marketers doing it.

Get a copy from an indie bookstore or Powells.com. Like now.

Disclaimer: I contacted the author in order to receive a copy of this book. I just had to have a sneak peek.

* Book links are affiliate links. If you buy your book here I could make a very small amount of money that goes towards this blog

Book Review: When Big Issues Happen to Little Girls by Erin Munroe

A quick reminder....My daughter is 7 1/2 and in the second grade. This book couldn't have hit me harder in so many ways. Big Issues Happen to Little Girls: How to Prepare, React, and Manage Your Emotions So You Can Best Support Your Daughter by Erin Munroe is a must read for every mother and father of a girl.

Munroe gives the world a great handbook on how to handle challenges and issues of raising a girl in today's world. From puberty to using drugs, Monroe walks us through case studies that exhibit how and how NOT to react to things that happen to our girls.

One criticism I had with the book was that it presents itself as something for parents, yet I felt that it was written for moms. There are subtle things about how she presents suggestions for parents that she's talking to moms.

This book will challenge you. It will challenge you to revisit how you see issues (recreational drug use, teenage sex, the drive for success) not just by what you hope your daughter will do, but also how you did it and your fears for how she might go through it. Munroe uses not just parenting fails, but also parenting fails that were done with the best intentions. Case in point a couple who didn't want to tell their 8-year-old that they were considering a divorce. She totally picked up on the body cues, the fact that Dad was sleeping on the couch and a world of other things her parents thought were going over her head.

And that's the biggest take home message. Our girls are not dumb. They see things in our world that we hope they don't. They hear us mock our bodies. They see us come home buzzed and drop the car keys on the table. They feel our pushes to be perfect at school and on the playing field. They see how we view other women in the world. They know that we expect them to be good, respectful in the face of frenemies.

Our girls are growing up in a different world than we did. Not better. Not worse. Different.

I say, "We're in the second grade," because it is a family effort. One to two hours of homework, monthly class projects that require more parental involvement than I think it appropriate and a pressure to score high enough on standardized tests to ensure a good school rating, teacher bonus and entrance into a prep high school...Yup, that's a team effort alright. Second grade is vastly different than my experience where my biggest issue was choosing between Chad and Corey, keeping my desk clean and beating the-other-Chad to end of our math workbook. Oh yeah...way different.

Parents should get a copy from an indie bookstore or Powells.com.

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book from a book PR firm. One that ironically is still trying to get me to say, "Yes, I'd like a copy of this book." *sigh*

* Book links are affiliate links. If you buy your book here I could make a very small amount of money that goes towards this blog. 

Movie Review: Tangled (with a note on Megamind)

This review is for parents worried about what messages this movie may send to our daughters and sons. As a feminist parent, I wish I could pre-screen every movie and TV show before my daughter views it, but I just can't. Thus this review is more for that purpose as opposed to whether or not it is a good movie. In otherwords, if you kid is begging you to see this movie, but scream at the thought of another princess movie, this is for you. AKA THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!


Disclaimer: I was given a sneak preview pass through Klout because I'm a Klout influencer. I was under no obligation to receive the sample or talk about this company. I get no additional benefits for talking about the product or company.

Plot: Rapunzel's mom (the Queen) is dying in child birth, saved by magic flower that Mother Gothel was hiding. The flower kept Gothel youngish for centuries. Without it she turned old. Flower was turned into a drink that saved Mom. Rapunzel was born with the power of the flower - in her hair. Gothel tried to clip some hair for the power. Alas the power only works when attached to Rapunzel AND can't be cut. Magic blond hair turns brunette after being cut. Gothel kidnaps Rapunzel. On the eve of Rapunzel's birthday, she wants to travel to see the "magic lights" that go up each year on her birthday. Gothel tells her she's too fragile & weak to be outside the tower. Selfish evil people would want to use her for her magic hair. Thief Flynn Ryder has just stolen something from the King (Rapunzel's dad) decides to hide in the tower. Rapunzel blackmails Flynn into taking her to the kingdom to see the lights. On their journey they have to keep Flynn from being caught, fall in love and all sorts of adventure.

Feminist parent analysis:

• Earlier this year word got out that Disney changed the title of the movie to "Tangled" to attract boys. I don't think that the movie was overly boy'd out. The adventure (boy parts) were similar to the chase scenes in "Aladdin." There was a lot of discussion about what this meant...I think those criticisms are fair and totally valid.
• I don't think Rapunzel is saved. She wanted to get out of that tower despite her love for Gothel. Flynn was merely her guide to freedom. Rapunzel knew nothing of the outside world. Had no idea where to go. Plus she swings a mean cast iron skillet.
• Yes, they fall in love, get married & live happily ever after. Can't get away from this ending. Although Flynn, who narrates the movie, does make it clear that they don't get married right away. 
• Flynn narrates the movie. Her story is told through his voice. 
• The mother-daughter conflict is crystal clear. Her "mom" kidnaps her and keeps her 'safe' in a tower. *gag*
• Flynn is transformed by Rapunzel's love. *gag*
• There's a throw-a-way line about Rapunzel being physically strong since she pulls up Gothel. This is proven over and over by the way Rapunzel slings her hair around like a whip, saving Flynn and herself. Not to mention her mean swinging of the cast iron skillet.     
• Can't believe I forgot this one!  Flynn dies for Rapunzel! But since I told you that they live happily ever after, Rapunzel does save him. Flynn goes to save Rapunzel from Gothel, but Gothel stabs him in the gut. As he lays dying Rapunzel goes to save him with her hair. Instead he cuts it all off, thus cutting off Gothel from her reason to want to take Rapunzel away. Rapunzel heals him with her tears. Gothel dies in a great scene.

I didn't like the songs. My favorite Disney movie is "The Little Mermaid." I felt a few of the songs were trying to be too much like TLM.

Overall is was a good movie. I cringed move over the bad songs than any gender issues. Maybe someone without love of a good Disney song can help point out issues I missed. I liked Rapunzel's Revenge better.

Apparently this is going to be Disney's last princess movie for some time. They are going to go hard after the boy market. Hopefully this means our girls can be girls again and not perpetual princesses. But parents with boys...be warned! When Disney sets its aim at a population it doesn't let go until it's been bleed dry. And while it might look cute, there's a dark underbelly.

Edited to add: We also saw "Megamind" last weekend. If I had to choose between "Tangled" and "Megamind" I would have to say "Tangled" hands down. Megamind is a total "boy" movie with super hero, villains and a damsel in distress. But the take home message in this movie is directed towards boys. On one hand, Megamind learns that he can change his evil ways and be good (good message)...in order to get the girl, Roxanne (bad message!). This is of course after Megamind's creation Titan turns bad due to greed AND being dissed by a girl. Of course it's the same woman since these types of movies only have one woman. After getting dissed, Titan kidnaps Roxanne and tries to kill her. SUPER BAD MESSAGE! While we laughed a lot at this movie, but the violence against Roxanne based on her not reciprocating Hal/Titan's love puts this movie in the "HELL NO" pile.

By the way, when showing 3D movies, the theater should make sure the glasses are clean. The kid spent almost half the movie with smudged glasses. We never go to 3D movies cause I think it's unnecessary. 2D is just fine.

Questions?

Sometimes you have to judge other parents

A friend of mine who is also a new mom wrote on Facebook about seeing a baby in a stroller with a million toys in its face. Then she said, "Oh, I shouldn't judge." I replied, "Sometimes it's ok to judge." And I mean it. I don't mean petty little things, I mean big picture things. Yes, like the "Single Ladies" parents.

I've seen one set of parents on two different networks explaining away why they would let their pre-teen daughter dance around in a lingerie-looking costume. On ABC they have a lot of excuses, er, reasons for being ok with the dance routine:

• It's a dance competition: I'm not familiar with the circuit and the dancers I knew in high school didn't dress like this and I went to high school in the 1990s. We were all about the Fly Girl attire and dance moves, believe me. So I did a web search for some dance competition videos and found none that look like a 7-year-old burlesque show. Even the teen dances that were "sexy" weren't gyrating the same way as the "Single Ladies" girls.
• When you go swimming, you wear a swimsuit: In other words, the costumes are standard fare for dance competition. Again to the Bat Computer! One catalog's children's wear was fairly tame. Most were cheesy enough to be age-appropriate. Another [flash catalog, page 92] pushed the limits, but was just one this side of burlesque.
• These are the type of routines you see at competitions: One competition site I found has a letter [PDF] for coaches and parents on appropriateness of routines and music. "The [Federation of Dance Competitions] appreciates the art form, creativity and desire to heighten world awareness of these themes through dance but deem it inappropriate to present them to audiences that include children of every age." Honestly, when I read the letter, I felt that they were more concerned with WHO was in the audience (and I don't mean 6yos) watching than anything else. 

But here's what disturbs me about this routine...Dance (including cheer leading, color guard, poms, etc) is about exhibition, competition and obtaining approval (in the form of a score and applause) from an outside source. That's all fine and dandy EXCEPT when it involves 7-9-year-old girls dancing like they belong to a burlesque troupe (FTR: I don't think there's anything wrong with burlesque when it involves adults). Those girls were learning that if they dress in a skimpy way, thrust their bodies like so, SMILE and shimmy, that they will be loved and adored. I admit there's a line and it's called age-appropriateness.

Our media is sexualizing girls at younger and younger ages. Why are parents adding to this problem?

As I said, I'm not familiar with the dance circuit, all I can do is analyze what I see, filter it thru what I know and make a judgment.

This month is Latino Book Month. To celebrate, I'm giving away three books to one reader. To enter, just comment on any May 2010 post by May 31, 2010. I'm too busy to make you jump thru hoops. Comment!

Feminist Parenting: Explaining old vocabulary

I am proud to say that I was a tomboy when I was growing up. I ran around, rode my bike, climbed trees, played in the mud, played sports...all the things one might think about when you think of a tomboy. The problem is that the term tomboy is outdated.

Back in the early 1980s the distinction between girly girls and tomboys was fairly rigid. At least it was to me. I played with the boys during recess and in trying to hang with them, I spent a lot of energy trying to prove that I wasn't like the other girls. Thus, I know what it means to be "one of the boys" and the games one plays to get there...including fooling yourself. When I was forced to wear dresses, I couldn't play the way I wanted. This drove home the distinction to me: Wear a dress, act like a girl; Wear jeans, act like a boy.

But today...I see not just my daughter, but many girls running, jumping, climbing and being active and sporty one minute, then they are like Wonder Woman (in reverse), magically turning into girly girls in dresses and primping their ponytails. I have told my daughter many times that she lives in an amazing time where this can happen. I tell her, she doesn't have to choose.

She has chosen to be girly, but not uber-girly. She loves her dresses, skirts, etc., but she also loves playing soccer, gymnastics and climbing.

But last week she came home from school saying that a friend called her a tomboy. "What's a tomboy?" she asked at dinner. BIG SIGH...Her dad looked at me.

I explained that it was something, back when mommy was a little girl, people use to call girls who liked to play sports, climb trees and just run around. I also explained that for me, I liked the word, that it wasn't a bad word. I could see she was hurt to be called a boy for her athletic prowess. I then tried to explain that we don't need to use that term anymore since all girls can play sports and still wear dresses. Then she rolled her eyes...that's when I know I'm covering something again.

I think she got it.

She then reported that her friend then said, "Oh, you're not a tomboy, you're a tomGIRL!"

Perhaps her friend was merely trying to find a term to tell the kid that she's an athlete and admires her abilities. I hope so. Even thou I remember being gender-policed at that age, it still amazes me when it happens to the kid. She's not going to stop being a total girly athlete, but neither is the gender police. Hopefully I can build her up so high that when people try to knock her down, she still stands tall.

This month is Latino Book Month. To celebrate, I'm giving away three books to one reader. To enter, just comment on any May 2010 post by May 31, 2010. I'm too busy to make you jump thru hoops. Comment!

Feminist Parenting: When to encourage

All year the kid has been talking about how she wants to join cheerleading. Yes, her school has a cheer program for grades 1-8. One of her BFFs is in it this year and the kid has told me time & again that she wants in too.

*sigh*

I tried out for cheerleading, so I'm not totally opposed to it. But cheerleading has gotten far more athletic than back in my day. Which is why I would let her try out. She's great at gymnastics! Plus the thought of cheerleading helping to get the kid to be more vocal in public, well, that's a bonus too. But then I think about how sexualized cheerleading has also become with all the sexy dances...I start to gag. I also don't want her to learn that girls cheer for boys and no one else.

I've tried to find out if the cheerleaders cheer for both boys and girls basketball, if the squad does routines appropriate for all 1st - 8th graders and if the coach is certified. I'm willing to try this out.

The thing is that the kid's tune has changed! She doesn't want to try out. I think she's fearful of the trying out aspect. I get that.

Now I wonder, should I be more encouraging, even thou I have no idea if this cheer thing is actually beneficial? What if I encourage her and I hate it? But do I really let her not try something out of fear? Ay!

I keep reminding myself that the kid is in gymnastics, soccer and theater. Does she really need one more thing? No. So that's where I land. I've ruled out cheerleading solely on the basis that she doesn't need one more thing to do. And I really don't want to ever push her to do anything.

So why I do I feel so damn guilty?

Women's History Month: My history

Today's Women's History Tidbit:
1933: President Franklin Roosevelt nominates Frances Perkins as US Sectretary of labor. The first woman in the cabinet, she will serve 12 years and will be the primary figure behind the Social Security Act of 1935.

Today I'm in Washington, DC for a NSF grantee meeting. But my great-aunt (my mom's aunt) lives in the area and we're getting together for dinner. I haven't seen her since my mom & I visited San Antonio just before my mom's uncle passed away in 1997. Yeah, a long time.

While I'm excited to see her again and at least one of my mom's cousins, I'm also excited to gain possession of a few pictures of my Grandma and some family history. My great-aunt's daughter let me know that she has been doing family tree stuff and would send that info on with her mom. She sent me a preview of the information the other day that I'm still digesting.

I won't go into everything, but let me say that while the information isn't something to boast about, it also makes my grandmother's ways make sense to me. Not justification for some of her actions, but she makes more sense to me. My mom also makes more sense to me. And I feel like I knew 80% of what my cousin sent me already. But that last 20% was critical and so missing!

I often ponder my history, my daughter's history and all the missing pieces that are glaring. So much died so long ago, not with my Grandma or my mom's death, but in their refusal to share. In what I believe may also had been their collective shame of how things went down years ago. It pains me to think of all that they were carrying around in their hearts all those years.

Obviously I have things that I ponder whether or not I'm going to tell the kid. If I do, when. How. All parents have those things and some of us bury them deep in the backyard and some of us shine the light on them as lessons for our kids. I wish the women of my family had shone the light on their history. I think it would had made for a more enlightened family life.



* Source: 2010 Women Who Dare Engagement Calendar from the Library of Congress

"Mini-Marketeers" Need Media Literacy, Not Junk Food

This was originally posted at the AWEARNESS blog.

It was just a matter of time until marketers got their hands on their real desired recruits -- kids. In some social media circles, there's no need to woo mom bloggers with free samples of the latest snack chip, instead kids are doing it on their own:

In some cases children as young as seven have been offered the chance to become "mini-marketeers" to plug brands by casually dropping them into postings and conversations on social networking sites.
They can earn the equivalent of £25 a week for their online banter -- sometimes promoting things that they may not even like. Among the products being pushed are soft drinks, including Sprite and Dr Pepper, Cheestrings and a Barbie-themed MP3 player. Record labels are also using the marketing technique to promote performers such as Lady Gaga.

In a time when First Lady Michelle Obama is campaigning to help our children get healthier, this targeting of kids should make us sit up and notice. It should also demonstrate that we can rid our schools of brand-name clothes and junk food and it just doesn't doesn't seem to matter. As we continue to debate the benefits of milk, our children are online being paid to talk up junk food. And I think we know that our kids don't need to be talked into the latest concoction from a chip company.

While I don't like that FLOTUS Obama is touting BMI as a way to keep track of our children's pot bellies, I do hope that within her campaign to keep our children healthy she pushes for every school to include media literacy as a part of their curriculum. I know that each time my daughter has a project that asks for her to flip through magazines for pictures to cut out, I hover over her like a hawk due to the images that live in between the covers.

It's not enough to talk about how chubby someone is or isn't, what their BMI (I call it a bullsh!t mass index, as evidenced by Kate Harding's BMI project) is or to restrict kids from the yumminess of peanut butter cups. Instead we need a wholesale reorganization of how school lunches are funded and to teach our kids how to sniff out the B.S. in marketing and commercials. We need to stop seeing physical education and recess as something only good, wealthy and/or smart kids get to engage in.

For the record, parents should keep all their "chubby" comments in their head, and marketers should keep kids out of their chip-pushing strategies.

Now let's get moving!

Feminist Parenting: Courageous

Courageous. That word was on the kid's spelling list last week. Even if the teacher called the entire list bonus words, she worked hard to learn all ten words including this one that stumps me once in awhile. I won't find out until Friday if she spelled them all correctly, but she worked hard, could spell them for us and felt great afterward. That's all I can ask of her for bonus words.

Part of asking kids in first grade (even if they are doing second grade work) to spell a big word like that is that we have to define it for them. I can't remember exactly how I defined it for her, but I'm sure I said something about doing something even thou you are afraid.

On Friday I took her out to Vertical Endeavors and she did this:

We rock climbed for about three hours and had a blast. At first she was scared of going too far up and definitely of sitting back to glide down. If you've followed the tales of my kid, you know she's not a fearful one. But standing at just 4 feet tall and looking up at 40 foot walls, well, I was a bit hesitant once I got climbing too. In the picture above she's about half way up. She eventually got all the way up 3-4 times on two different lines.

When she started to show signs of fear, I told her to be courageous. She giggled and tried one more time to inch her way up. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Near the end of our time, I was really pooped. This mama is way out of shape and rock climbing doesn't help my carpal tunnel. Hell, my knuckles still ache! But she had shimmed down on her own and I was stopped. I told her I was ready to come down and she yelled back, "You can do it mommy! Be courageous!"

Do you have any idea what that does to a parent?

I made it to the top of that wall. And then called it quits for the day.

It took courage for me to take her out there. Yes, I'm still a tomboy at heart and take enormous pride in her climbing and bad ass skills, but each time I see her do something like this I'm torn. Instead of picturing a devil & angel wrestling on my shoulders, picture me cheering her on versus me telling her to get her butt down. I am so afraid of her getting hurt as she discovers what her body can do.

It took courage for her to trust me. I talked her thru a few tough spots. Spots where most people, including myself, might have just said screw it and stopped.

At the end of the day what she got out of the day was a new sense of what she can do. I can only imagine what it would had been like to be 6 1/2 and accomplished something like that. The only equivalent I had growing up was walking up the metal giraffe without using my hands. Anyone remember those?

But you could see the pride in her smile. Not only the pride she got from climbing to the top of the wall, but every half hour or so, someone would walk into the area and say, "OMG! Look at the little girl!" You can't buy that kind of self-esteem boost. OK, maybe I did for $15 + $10 rental of harness, shoes & the chalk bag she adored. But I didn't buy one step of her climbs.

I encourage every parent to let their kids push themselves to the limit. For your kid it might be on a rock climbing wall, for others it might be in a band. Whatever your child is good at, push them to discover a new level. And then step back. Don't hover, don't helicopter, don't put doubt in their heads. They will fall, but they have to learn to pick themselves back up too. There are plenty of times the kid has fallen and walked away as well. But at least she tried and I didn't limit her.

As parents we need to be courageous...Even if it means watching them climb far out of reach.

*************
BTW: The staff at Vertical Endeavors were awesome and super kid-friendly. I do picture us returning there, perhaps during Spring Break. Hopefully we're not on the same schedule as the schools out there.

Gender Roles to Rainbows: A Mother's Love

RH Reality Check asked me to write a short something for Valentine's Day about love and raising the kid. Here it is!


I have loved my daughter all my life. It's corny but it's true.

Growing up I knew I would be a mom, somehow. I knew one day I'd be responsible for another human being that goes beyond my wildest dreams. While most women day dream about cute dresses and those adorable ruffle-bottomed tights, I dreamt of teaching her to keep score at a baseball game and to hopefully avoid the pitfalls that continue to consume me.

Six and a half years ago I had my little girl. She's as girly as they come, yet as rough and tumble too.

My daughter has already gone head to head with classmates who spout strict gender roles. While it breaks my heart to see her struggle, I love talking to her as a human being about what people expect of others, how we believe things in our home and how to react to difference. Again, she's six, so I have no idea how far our talks go, but she gives me glimmers of hope. There was the time she ranted to my best friend about how unfair it is that public restroom sinks are far too high for little kids to effectively use. During the Emmys last year she asked if the writers category was broken into boys and girls since all the nominees were men. "No, mija, but very good observation."

Most of all, I love that I am raising the next generation in a long line of stubborn and strong women.  

I love complimenting her on her intelligence. I love watching her discover how awesome her body is on the soccer field and on the gymnastics floor. I love teaching her to solve a math problem. I love that she knows the scientific origins of rainbows and still thinks that they are miracles.

Through all of this, she is also helping me to truly love myself.  

She loves my squishy fat belly.
She loves that we look so much alike.
She loves watching me give a speech.
She loves spending time with me (hey, she's six!).
She loves to cuddle with me so I can read her a Nancy Drew book.
She loves helping me in the kitchen.
She takes care of me and Dad as much as we take care of her.

If there really is a cycle of life, we're spinning through it each day.

Want to adopt a Haitian orphan? WAIT!

This post was written right after American missionaries were arrested and originally posted on the AWEARNESS blog. 

I admit that my husband and I had "the talk." The "Can we adopt a child from Haiti?" talk. Of course it was out of sheer love for the children who need help, but we quickly snapped back to reality: Now is not the time to get in line for a child.

Apparently some people think otherwise. Ten Americans were arrested over the weekend for child trafficking out of Haiti. Of course they say they were just trying to help by scooping up children and taking them across the border to an orphanage, but hey, I think that is the definition of child trafficking.

I get it. I also want to jump on a plane and bring a bunch of kids home with me. I want to clothe them, feed them and love them. But I know that they are Haitian and Haiti is their home. I also know that people have been displaced. Children were at school when the earthquake hit. How do we know if their mother was one of the people flown out of the country for medical help? Or is in the refugee camp on the other side of the city? We can't know all of the facts. The Independent has a good Q&A on the ethics of disaster adoption.

When we've had conversations about adoption, I've found myself focusing on whether or not I have the emotional strength to guide a child along the path. A newborn or an older child will question their adoption at some point. I can only imagine the emotional wounds that will need to be addressed for all the people of Haiti, much less a child airlifted from their homeland and extended family.

But I continue to reject the notion that I know how to provide a "better life" for a child. I think that once you start to believe that you can overlook the formalities that go with international adoption, like, say making sure that no one in their biological family can care for them. Airlifts of children have happened before, such as Operation Peter Pan, and some of those children are grown now and mad as hell about the thought of the same thing happening to Haitian children.

Instead of running out to adopt a Haitian child, I suggest giving to an organization that is focusing on helping to rebuild Haiti and reuniting families. There will be a time when adoptions will be the answer for some children. Until then, let's wait.

Feminist Parenting: Teaching History

As many of you know, I named my daughter after Elizabeth Cady Stanton. This wasn't in pure ignorance of Stanton's racist and classist argument for women getting the vote before Black men. It was rather in recognition of her igniting a movement that still lives today and brought us, women & men, so much. This spring she had to pick a topic for a research project. She picked three topics and her teacher chose Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

This weekend we were filling out the information sheets that make up her project and reading through the two books she has on Stanton & suffrage when she asked the $64,000 question. "She wanted everyone to be equal right?"

I've never had any thought of telling her about Stanton thru rose colored glasses. Far from it. I guess I didn't think she'd bring up the equality question. But I should have known better.

Luckily one of the books she has is If You Lived When Women Won Their Rights by Anne Kamma. In it one of the questions is about why Stanton and others were upset after the Civil War and the Constitution would be changed only for men. It handles it pretty well by previously discussing how most of the suffragists were also abolitionists and how Sojourner Truth was upset as well. I added in that Stanton also felt it wasn't right that uneducated men would be allowed to vote before educated women like her.

The kid was shocked.

And I didn't even think to touch on Stanton & Anthony's partnership with racists in the West. But we did discuss, after her daddy mentioned it, that back in that time, the only people who really could afford to be educated were people with money. She was then quite offended that she was named after Stanton and said, "I think I'll just think that I was named after the Queen Elizabeth."

Her dad & I laughed as I said, "Oh, mija, if you think what Elizabeth Cady Stanton did was bad, just wait till you learn about Queens."

I went into how everyone, Mom and Dad, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Martin Luther King Jr. are all human beings. No one is perfect. 

I don't remember how we got back to her actual homework assignment, but we did. I know while the conversation is over for now, she's thinking about what she discovered.

And then I started to ponder how much harder it might be to tell her about my own failings one day.

This parenting thing is hard peeps. Really.

Clarification:  Other reasons that went into choosing the name Elizabeth included Elizabeth Bradford from Eight is Enough (yes, seriously), that Elizabeth is a versatile name, that Elizabeth is a strong name and that Elizabeth can be shortened to Buffy.