Good Mourning: Love & Loss

The past few weeks have been rough.  I lost my grandmother a little over a week ago. Our time in Chicago for her funeral service is such a blur. I'm in a funk that I cannot explain.  I Googled how to cope with losing your grandparent.  I didn't read the articles that I found.  After I realized what I was doing I decided to get off of the Internet.  I sat quietly. No more tears. Nearly numb. Mourning.  For me, I found it good to mourn.

My Lola is the only grandparent that I ever knew.  The only grandparent that I got to love.  The last time that I saw her alive was at our wedding. August 2008.

This next statement may not make much sense.  I am trying to let some of these confusing thoughts and feelings out.  I was MORE sad the last time that I saw her alive than when I saw her at rest.  My final image of my Grandma is a peaceful one.  She looked as beautiful as I remember her to be. She truly looked as if she were sleeping...

When I last saw her alive, it broke my heart. She was restricted to a wheelchair.  She looked tired and sad.  She didn't recognize me.  She didn't know me.  She did not remember that she loved me.  Her memories had been fading well before our wedding day.  I lost my Lola years before she passed away.